Not quite the New Year, New You title you were expecting? Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending.
It’s been a while since I last wrote on this blog. I put all creative pursuits aside to focus on searching for, purchasing, and moving into a house (my first real estate purchase!) in an entirely different part of the country. It was a massive undertaking, and I’m glad I gave myself the space to focus on that as my exclusive extracurricular activity.
One day recently, I’m sitting in my new home office, on yet another Zoom call, contemplating my background and considering what I’d like the view to be. The wall is currently a blank canvas to which I can do whatever I like (because I’m no longer a renter. I’m a bona fide home owner).
I thought of painting some lines, or perhaps a mural, which, in my imagination, evolved into an image of papyrus reeds. This led to a Google search for images, which proved unsatisfying, leading to another search for « best book on Ancient Egypt. » Except I didn’t get past « be » because after that, the search bar auto-populated beopenyoga.wordpress.com.
That is my original wellness blog, and I haven’t visited that address in many many years. In fact, I didn’t realize it still existed. I should have known though, because, I know that wordpress.com blogs stay on wordpress.com forever unless you deliberately delete them. And the reason I know that, is because I now work for WordPress.com!
It felt like some kind of sign. Some kind of calling into the past, because I could not fathom how or why my browser would auto-populate to a site that I never visit.
I took the bait and dove right in.
Oh what a jaunt down memory lane! Reading my old posts not only sucked me back to that time of my life, but more profoundly, to a previous version of myself. A younger version, with an out-dated operating system. I marveled at my naïveté, and the confidence with which I spoke on topics I had very little authority to speak on.
What I shared really resonated with people though. I had a lot of engagement on that blog, and I was extremely dedicated to it, posting every single week on Wellness Wednesday. Often sharing deeply and vulnerably so that others could learn from my foibles and insights.
Wow! Why don’t I do this anymore? I wondered. What am I afraid of and why am I holding back?
There are so many reasons, really. Some are very logical. I’m no longer a yoga teacher. I don’t work in the wellness industry. I work in tech. So I’m not so plugged into that world. I’m also not actively working on building a business, and therefore less concerned about creating content.
There’s more to it than that though. Over time, as certain « wellness » protocols failed me, or even made things worse, I started to lose faith in the industry. I also saw so many people online who would try something once and preach that it had changed their life. That is such a huge turnoff for me and I didn’t want to be seen as participating in that.
Also, I stopped wanting to share intimate details of my life on the internet. I became protective of my privacy, of my relationships, and my viewpoint. Whatever backlash I might receive for sharing the truth of my thoughts hardly felt worth it. I retreated inward.
To bring us back to the present, after reading through my old blog, I was struck down in that moment by the grand disappointment of life. One of those moments when you realize you didn’t become what you thought you might, and life looks nothing like how you might have pictured it at some random point in your youth. Even what you believed in so strongly at that time no longer has any weight to it. It slips right through your fingers.
Something I have absolutely gained over time is patience, especially with difficult emotions. I let the disappointment wash over me. It felt almost like heartbreak. I let myself process it and see where it landed.
Though this realization may sound depressing, it ended up being extraordinarily energizing because I could imagine how many others also feel this way, even if only subconsciously. The amazing coincidence that my life path led me to work for the company where that blog was hosted felt like a fantastic and hilarious wink from the Universe.
The encounter with my old blog happened a month ago, and since then, any sadness or disappointment I felt has lifted. There are many moments when a feeling of utter bliss will wash over me just contemplating where I am in my life and all that surrounds me. My new home gives me endless delight, as does my new location on the planet. I still don’t want to share intimate details of my life, so I’ll simply say that all other aspects of life also feel enriching right now: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
Often, life requires making peace with disappointment and a reconstruction of your current perception. Who are you now? As the current you, what is most important? What does this current you want to create in the future?
You simply can’t judge your present life based on the person you were 5, 10, or 20 years ago. That’s not fair! That’s not you anymore and who you are and what you want now are likely very different than when you dreamed up a vision for yourself a decade ago. And, if you’re exactly where you wanted to be, make sure to take frequent stock of how awesome that is!
I’m still dreaming and visioning. My current dreams and visions energize and motivate me to grow and explore the possibilities of who I am and what I can contribute to the world around me. That hasn’t changed. Though now I’m much more forgiving of the timeline, and of the twists and turns that life inevitably presents.
Whoever this version of you is in 2024, may you fully love and respect this moment of you.
P.S. Happy birthday Matt!